Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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