and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
