so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Houston, we have a blender
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
