The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
