My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
