I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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