Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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