My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
