Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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