I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
