i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
