the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
