My friends, they love my intelligence
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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