I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
