jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
