not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
