Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
