The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
