I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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