please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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