HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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