Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
