Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
