this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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