i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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