insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
