remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
