Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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