well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize