i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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