Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
