Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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