he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
