The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
