Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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