I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
