We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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