I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
