I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
