Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
