You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
