His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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