It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
