Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
