pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
