there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
