I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
