i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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