So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
