Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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