I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
