you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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