God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
...so i touched it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
