11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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