there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
