Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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