Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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