gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
