I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
