Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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