6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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