I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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